My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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