6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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