i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
