Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
