i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I want her autograph on my taint
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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