You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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