my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
