I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
