Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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