I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
