i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
