if i can run in heels then i can drive
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
