Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
