1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
This baby is an asshole
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
