At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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