like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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