My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize