God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
