K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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