sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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