its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
