I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize