it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
