At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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