im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
