Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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