all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
