make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize