I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize