i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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