I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
