Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
