we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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