How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
