life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
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