Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
