Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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