I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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