I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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