I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
