Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
