My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
