I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
