I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
In other news, I just burned my penis
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
