Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
