I just pynch a tree in the face
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
