u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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