Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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