THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
