5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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