I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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