I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
