I didn't shave. On purpose
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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