Your mouth is God's brothel.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You don't make any sense
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