took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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