We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
